Gentle As A Lamb

May I ask one thing of you? Just one… but very likely the most difficult of all. Please, would you be gentle with yourself?

I know we make goals, we set them with all of our intentions and highest hopes, and then we do not follow through. Or, harder still, we make pledges, from our heartfelt, core values, and then we make mistakes and let ourselves down. But, even still, would you be gentle with yourself?

Although I am the one asking, I am not asking for myself. Though I do have the greatest of hopes for you – I want you to succeed in life, I want you to master your willpower so you can follow through with your dreams, and more than anything I want you to be happy. That is why there is one thing you can do that matters above all else. Be gentle with yourself.

Sometimes the best way to know how to be gentle is to know when you HAVE NOT been good to yourself. Do any of these sound familiar?

• You tell yourself you are a bad person and feel lingering guilt when you snap at a co-worker

• You call yourself lazy or that you have NO willpower when you do not follow through with your exercise goals, again

• You feel too busy in life to volunteer for your community and secretly worry that you are selfish

• You eat something you wish you hadn’t and tell yourself you are going to get fat, just like your mother

• You see your friends making more money than you and you fear you just “do not have what it takes”

Understand that the first step to showing kindness to yourself is through the realization that life can be viewed through two different lenses. One of them is through judger eyes, the other learner. Judger eyes condemn while the learner sees opportunity for growth. It really starts with a simple question: what can I learn from this situation?

When you judge yourself you stop the potential to grow and change. You essentially paralyze yourself. When you feel you have made a choice you are not happy about, instead of putting a judgment on your behavior instead ask yourself, “What need did I not fulfill by making that choice?” In this way all choices become neutral, as this question shifts into the potential to learn and grow from your decisions. Here are two examples using the scenarios above that demonstrate how a learner approach could completely shift perspective:

• Instead of telling yourself you are a bad person for snapping at a co-worker, you realize that your need to be connected, be supportive and receive support in your work environment was not met by your decision to get angry. You can then ask yourself the following questions: How can I make amends? What caused me to feel angry and how can I prevent that in the future? What can I do to offer support and contribute to deeper bonding with my co-workers?

• When you eat something you wish you hadn’t the judger could take you down the road of major self-abuse, which will likely cause you to comfort eat again to escape your thoughts. Again, connect with your need, such as “Eating this food does not support my need to reach my ideal weight.” Do NOT tell yourself you are a bad person! Just understand you have made a decision that does not fulfill a core need. Then, ask yourself the following questions: Is there something else I could eat that would be just as sweet but healthy instead of bad for me? Do I need to eat more throughout the day so I do not binge on food? Am I eating this because I am feeling sad or afraid of something and what is this feeling about? If this is a consistent problem for me, is there anyone I could talk to?

According to Marilee G. Adams, author of Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, we all have both judger and learner aspects contained within ourselves. In fact, she emphasizes that our judger self, much like a hungry lion, will always find an opportunity to rear its head. That is not the issue. The question is, how long do you STAY in judger? The goal is to recognize what has happened and find ways to shift to learner eyes more frequently.

As Valentine’s Day nears, remember that you are the most important person in your life and this is an affair to the end. The more you see life through learner eyes and demonstrate compassion for your choices, the more you have to share with others in a rewarding, inspiring capacity. Understand the judger will roar its presence (and probably often!), but it will drift into the background as you become more disciplined and gentle with yourself. And so, the lion fell in love with the lamb!



©laynewhitley, 2010. Article may be reprinted with permission.

Layne Whitley, Food & Weight Loss Coach, helps clients lose weight, eat healthier, and feel great… naturally! To get your FREE e-book on lasting weight loss and receive her weekly recipes & success mindset articles on reaching your wellness potential, visit www.laynewhitley.com or email her at coach@laynewhitley.com.