How Much Does Your People-Pleasing Cost?

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby

Is the approval of others more important to you than expressing how you really feel or wish to act? Do you avoid conflicts at all costs and have a tendency to over-commit yourself in order to help others? Do you ignore your own needs in order to accommodate someone else's needs? Do you feel unappreciated or "taken advantage" of? Do you never have enough time for yourself or your personal goals?

People-pleasing is EXHAUSTING. I know because I was a functioning people-pleaser for most of my life. I say "functioning" because I was able to successfully skirt through life without ever having to truly face these tendencies. In other words, for most of my life I could point the finger and blame others for why I was so exhausted and unhappy. It was not that I was unable to say "no," it was that they "took advantage of my niceness." It was not because of over-committing myself to everything asked of me that I was overwhelmed, it was because "they ask too much of me!" For decades I managed to cloak my issues by finding some outside, intangible reason or person that I blamed instead of taking responsibility for my own choices.

For some saying "no" is nearly impossible. Personally, I experienced intense guilt (I felt selfish) or waves of fear (everyone must like me!). It seemed as if in every job I have ever had my people-pleasing found a venue. When I was teaching I worked unreasonably extra hours "for the children" (ultimately making a very crabby teacher for those children!). Each non-profit I directed was loaded with necessary overtime "for peace" or "for the earth." Yikes, how can you say "no" to those?!

Because I preferred to bury this aspect of myself rather than face it, ultimately I encountered an experience where I was no longer able to function with my people-pleasing. I met my match in an employer that was never satisfied and borderline abusive, triggering double and triple efforts on my part. After extraordinary hard work and a near obsession for pleasing this person, it dawned on me that I had to make a choice: take responsibility and stand up for myself (scary!); or, continue to expose myself to a toxic situation which eroded my very sense of self and personal respect.

It was tremendously difficult but I chose to speak on my behalf and leave the position. I now look back on this situation as a blessing that I am truly grateful for. I take pleasure in creating boundaries at this point in my life, an act which used to petrify me. That decision to stand up for myself has left an ongoing wake of personal growth and transformation. By saying "no" to that situation, I said "yes!" to self-confidence and all that life has to offer.

Most people do not realize that every YES given is paid for with a NO somewhere else. When you say "yes" to the office you may be saying "no" to your children and the protection of quality time with them, ultimately violating one of your personal values. When you say "yes" to your family instead of creating necessary exercise or personal time, you are saying "no" to balance and self love. I hate to break it to you, but every "no" to yourself erodes self confidence and the chance to fulfill your dreams. In this way people-pleasing is, in fact, a way you give away your own power. Being that "nice person" can have devastating effects.

When I work with clients I can almost guarantee that underneath all the excuses as to why they are unable to reach their goals is the tendency to people-please. When someone says, "I just can't find the time to exercise between work and the kids" they are avoiding authorship for the direction their life is going. What they are really saying is, "I am pretending that others author my story. I do not want to take responsibility for my choices." Those heavily embedded in pleasing others sometimes are so identified with the external that they do not even know what they want out of life (or who they even are!). In both cases, the process of reclaiming our boundaries and sense of self can be one of the most life transforming experiences we can ever have.

If you recognize yourself as a people-pleaser it is time to stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. Examine your boundaries. Where are they? What goals have you been putting on the back burner when they should be part of your regular routine? Remember that no one can read your mind: learning to say "no" may feel uncomfortable at first but the rewards are immeasurable. I speak from the promise of personal experience as well as a coach for others. As I watch clients reclaim their power by setting boundaries, speaking the unspeakable (saying "no" to others!), and carving out a balanced life that reflects their goals and values, I marvel at the spiritual transformation that occurs. Saying "no" has become saying a whole hearted "yes" - to everything life has to offer them and the joys that come with that decision. Start saying YES to yourself - today!

©laynewhitley, 2010. Article may be reprinted with permission.

Layne Whitley, Food & Weight Loss Coach, helps clients lose weight, eat healthier, and feel great… naturally! To get your FREE e-book on lasting weight loss and receive her weekly recipes & success mindset articles on reaching your wellness potential, visit www.laynewhitley.com or email her at coach@laynewhitley.com.